emotional struggle

25 april 2007
2:30 pm

i picked up a very good friend of mine (from our sister church in cotabato), and my boyfriend's brother, who both came from davao, 6 and half hours earlier. we went straight to the local shopping center nearby, where i work. i had to get back as soon as i can because i have a scheduled patient coming. i called my boyfriend several times, before i got the folks from the bus terminal and when we arrived at the mall. no answer. *rar!* this is what i really hate. "you can ignore me on another time when i don't need much attention -- but at this point, i totally need some freaking answer!" (i screamed to myself) i don't know how to be hospitable enough to them. so when i had the chance to have a little break from work, i walked them around the mall and had some pizza and pasta for merienda. then i called my boyfriend, for the Nth time now, still -- no freaking friggin' roaring answer! how could this be?! the time ticked, and i had to go back again to the clinic, i have a patient coming in a couple of minutes. i can't just leave these "visitors." *such boyfriend!* so i got back to work, while they were just there at the waiting room--trying to be contented (so i thought). after my work, i planned to drop them at my boyfriend's place so they could tour around--while i will rush to the church to attend the weekly meeting. but. freaking *such* boyfriend didn't like the idea. he chose to stay home. *wow* so hospitable. so i dropped off his brother, and my friend and i proceeded to church. i told him we'll have dinner together. yet, still. he didn't like the idea. *wee!* screach! what is wrong with him!?!? i know he's not tired! i know he loves to go out and have a sumptuous meal somewhere rather than just have an instant goodie! i was so frustrated on him. my heart kept on pounding angrily. in rage, that is. what the freaking world is happening to him!? i can't believe he could be so mean! and i can't believe he can prove to everyone that he's such a dork. *ouch!* im so hurt. frustrated. angry. confused. do i love him? yes. but why!? why in the world would i be so martyr about everything!? should i understand me all the days of my life? do i love him? YES, for the second time. do i love him? do i love him? YES, yes yes yes.. YES for the infinite time. kill me now! i'm so emotionally low. i've been struggling like forever.

what is INSECURITY?

It is a behavior possessed by certain individuals who can't accept the fact that no matter how hard they try, they can never level up to you.

That's why they either hate you,
backbite you,
or imitate you.

Just let them be!

After all..

At the end of the day, they know for a fact that they can never come close in parallel with you.

beauche

did i get that right? oh well, my mom gave me this cheap" beauty" watchamacallit set yesterday, and i never bothered to read the "blabs" written on the pink "what-to-do" guide. i bumped my elbow into it earlier, and i realized i have something to figure out.

"hmm, what's this?" i mumbled
"oh, another beauty stuff which i would use for just a couple of days and get tired of the regimen thereafter!"

*weee!!!* hehe.. caught up in boredom, i tried it =) it smelled fruity sweet delicious!

i've tried so many beauty products (maybe not as many as you have had), but i never hooked on any! i'm just not religious in doing all the regimen. it takes a lot of wasted time and effort. right? wasted effort-by that-nothing happened to my face. or skin. but in reality, i'm just not into it. i'm happy the way i am.. how i look.. and everything else under the heat =) i may be tan, but not exotic, i'm happy with my *rich* color, not pale =) i know each female species need to beautify herself once in a while, it's not just what's within to signify the true beauty.. BUT!.. im happy, the way i am. contented in every way. i feel pretty with just a pat of blush on by day, and cleansed by water with a dab of oil reducing facial wash before i sleep =)

may it be Ponds, Oil of Olay, L'Oreal, Mary Kay, Biogenesis, Obagi or Beauche (the products i've tried) -- the fact still remains, that i won't be hooked to any of it. i might not even finish half the container =)

*stay pretty!*

slumber

for 2 weeks now, i've been struggling and trying so hard to knock myself out. i can't sleep! no matter how hard i tire myself, i could not possibly be at rest. one night, i got jittery eyes already, but still i could not sleep. it has been several countless nights now.. and im so sick of not getting enough sleep as i want. i don't have errands to attend during the wee hours, i need to rest! oh Lord! help me!

a party pooper?

my first night out with my sms folks after so long
23 march 2007

this was at my 24th birthday bash after-party. we googled some catchin up together at OIC. and tried the so-called fun at FU Bar. we didn't really enjoy the place, but we totally enjoyed each other's company.

from L-R:
Jay: a batch older in HS, antoy's (our barkada who's in the US now) brother.
Barbie: a batch older in HS, mayang's (my bestfriend who's in UK now) cousin.
Kate: the hot momma! *wee!* love for Tia sweetie! we met each other since we were zygotes. we welcomed her birthday a few hours after mine =)
Leslie: the new-age NURSE party girl =) hehe. hi bobong! you don't have curfew na! finally!
ME!
Kiting: the lovely, pretty, loud and elegant artist. i so admire you're fantastic imaginations of things. hehe. very meticulous in all things. i love that!
Marlon: the jet-setter *wink!* he just arrived from Manila at this day. few days before that, he was at the US with some of our friends there too. he dropped by from his business trip to Columbia. we've lost track on where he is right now. last time i heard he was in Singapore, but leaving for Bali. oh well, well catch up soon when you're back in the Pinas! =)

back in HighSchool, i was one of the crazy *teenagers* who loves to get whipped with the "fun" vivacity called "social life." then, and again, i've spent my younger years having fun with so many circle of friends. i've been to so many places wherein i'm not allowed to set foot in, then. i've watched movies not set to my young mind, then. i have done a lot, in the past --to my curiosity. *crazy!* but whatever i did, i have no regrets, because it made me mature better in all ways.

hrrmm.. what are you thinking of right now? that i've been drunk before? have smoked cigs and such? that i've been such a party animal?

*haha!* gotcha! nope! *nah-ah!* --i have such wonderful friends. whatever their crazy minds too have planned, i was the kiddo in the group. and the "momma" as well. when everyone has bottles of alcohol in their hands, i had coke or fresh milk. *cute!* i didn't care about what some party freaks would have been thinking about me at that point. all i thought of was that i'm having so much fun. i have lived up to the rules in my household and in the church. and the friends that i have from all over, respect what i want to happen.

from then, till now, they all remain the same. from my old time buddies to the new ones i've met, they all know it. and i love all of them for that.

where do we stand?

28.october.2006
our THIRD year together.

lo, and behold..
through whatever chaos, misunderstandings and that freaky biatch, we managed to keep and "promote" what we have committed to each other. it wasn't an easy ride, as most of you might have thought of. it was a tough roller coaster! today, we may seem to smile and laugh out loud, and enjoy each other's company, hug and comfort each other, the thorn still exists. prayer is my only key to keep me strong.

while everyone wishes us to bang the wedding bells, guys, it's not that easy. lesson learned the super hard way.

sad, but true.

special treat for a friend

this morning, i had a scheduled patient, a long time friend - who i got to hang out with just once - who i never talked a lot with - and who - had been, just a plain "acquaintance" yet we call each other "friends."

when my phone beeped yesterday, and his name appeared, i thought he just sent me a quote. so when the message appeared "read, yes/no?" i clicked on "NO." i can read it later, i mumbled. after 2 hours of tumbling and rolling, i got back to the unread messages i have.. when i scrolled down to his name, OMG, it was an EMERGENCY case. his front teeth's wobbly! so i called him up, and anxiously trying to say sorry for the *lag* lame response for a "dentist-on-call" that i am. we sorted things and figured out the treatment plan.

this morning was "THE" day for it. 11am. i got in my clinic at 10:50am. *whew!* just in time. clocked ticked. kept on ticking. and ticking. and ticking. and *wallah!* it's 11:47am. for some patients i would have had in the past -- during school days-- i get crazy! *rage!* rush thru my veins. but i kept calm. this is my friend-IN NEED. so i called him up and reminded him. good thing he was on his way. so i waited. and waited. and finally, he came with a gleeful face.. we started right and ended hungry =) the treatment finally came to a success.

*fees?* none. it's my treat. for a friend-IN NEED =)

firsts

i've never been so happy, and never been so sad. until i realized.. why is he playing with my poor heart? i cannot justify the facts im thinking of. i could not believe it myself. ive never dreamt of anything, but the truth to everything. so, why am i being fooled?